Sometimes life becomes too overwhelming and I lose control, i.e. the record player flips and starts playing the A-side tracks more and more. It glitches and the music spirals into what feels like a never ending repeat of destructive songs.
I spoke to my older brother about how I was feeling recently, and he told me it sounded like I had been languishing, I wasn’t depressed, or at least didn’t feel depressed. I certainly can’t remember a point where I was particularly sad, helpless or suicidal. I was just apathetic to life and in a constant state of mental inertia.
If I could make one point to remember, it’s that mania is far more dangerous than depression. It shouldn’t be celebrated as something fun or novel. It’s dangerous and it can kill people.
If I were to summarise a psychotic episode, I’d say they’re like being in a living nightmare. All your worst fears and insecurities come out in all their forms.
Would you be happy to be treated by a Doctor who had schizophrenia or bipolar? Would you want to receive care from a Nurse who suffered from crippling anxiety and depression?
Bonnie was our family dog, who joined us in September 2006. She died peacefully on my brother’s lap in November 2019. She was an incredible dog.
He passed away the night before my 21st birthday, and just days before I had a psychotic relapse.
For me my mental health is like a muscle. Sometimes it needs to tear in order to grow stronger, and more stable.
I was beyond reasoning with. I was irrational. And ultimately I was psychotic. This was serious.
“I soon became very low in mood and I vividly remember suddenly breaking down in tears in front of my whole family at the dinner table, without being able to say what was causing me such upset.”